Debt is Not Festive

The Christmas music has been playing all week, and all I hear is Slade over and over. The CD must only be about thirty minutes long as the repetition is frequent. It's the usual subjects: Slade, Wizzard, McCartney, Lennon, Chris DeBurgh, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Mariah Carey and, of course, the Pogues (which isn't really a Christmas song in the usual, festive sense. I wonder if people actually listen to the words or merely look at the title "Fairytale of New York" in a very literal an unironic way, and take McGowan's word for it...). The music is torturous, and whenever I complain I get told to "get into the Christmas spirit," to which my answer is, "It's November and I have a headache."

People don't really seem to care though. Just one short month until Christmas Day. I'm going to come clean: I love Christmas. My favourite time of the year. I love all the schmaltz and Christmas films, I love the decorations and swapping presents, I love how it's cold outside - I even don't mind the religious connotations of the holiday. What I hate is retail, in all it's forms. Debt is not festive, yet it is the ultimate goal of all the shops on the high street to destroy us all financially at this time of year. Prices are up, adverts are designed to make us feel guilty and Scrooge-like for not spending more money on useless items - happy kids with rosy cheeks play with the latest must have toy, families gather round a huge golden turkey, rush now or be disappointed on the big day. Why must we have to aim for perfection? Why can't we just be satisfied by having at least one day of guaranteed holiday a year, spending time with our loved ones and having fun? It seems that we are being told the only way to have fun is with material possessions and the best food money can buy.

The Company I work for is guilty of this illusion of perfection, its adverts ludicrously glossy and it's "special offers" a cynical device to make people buy more than they need - Buy a dinner jacket, trousers, shoes, a shirt, a pair of silk boxers, some sock WITH suspenders, some spare laces, a red rose for the lapel (only available in bunches of twelve), cummerbund, a white silk scarf, some aftershave, a moustache comb and scissors, a top-hat, a cane, a dress coat (made of a mixture of wool and cashmere), some silk gloves, and a monocle and you can get a FREE dickie-bow. That's right a FREE dickie-bow. Get spending now people! You need all of this stuff for Christmas. You do. Don't try and argue with us. You absolutely NEED it. Can't afford it all? That's what our new improved CREDIT CARD is for. Why worry about paying now, when you can worry about paying in a month's time? Huzzah, I see you're approaching the till point. Well, don't forget to take advantage of our SPECIAL offer on mince pies. They are just here, by the till point. Yes, next to the overpriced champagne that's on special offer too. Sir, you are being sensible by buying all this stuff. You are going to have the MOST PERFECT CHRISTMAS EVER! Oh, remember to pick up a brochure so you can order your MASSIVE turkey on the way out...

There are also other products that key into people's laziness in making them spend money:

1. Pre-whipped cream. More expensive that the normal whipping cream obviously. But you don't have to spend that precious three minutes tiring out your wrist and dirtying up a bowl.

2. A baked potato with grated cheese. The potato is pre-sliced, the cheese is pre-grated. The cheese has been placed within the slice of the potato. The cooking guidelines are on the packet. Cooking guidelines? For a baked potato and cheese?

3. Pre-sliced apple. Never will you have to use your teeth again!

4. Pre-sliced garlic baguette. And I don't mean just cut to put the garlic butter in as normal. I mean sliced. With the slices rattling around in the bag.

I'm sure there are more. But I'm too lazy to list them. It's all status symbol for the customers, especially at the location I work. These customers can afford all of this, and they will enjoy telling their friends: "I buy my cream pre-whipped" They are the sorts of people who also buy special Christmas Dinner dog food, made from turkey and cranberries. A dog will happily eat horse shit. I'm sure it's not fussy about cranberries.

Well, if that's what people want to spend their money on, then who am I to argue. We live in a feudal society, and the lords can do what they want. But we are all slaves to commerce, and we are all duped in believing a perfect Christmas is possible...