Standing Up to Sit Back Down

The job search has not gone well. Despite my two degrees, I seem to be completely unemployable, and have had next to no response from the thirty-five jobs I have applied for. I feel as if I am standing on a very clear, very thin layer of ice, beneath which I can see the turmoil of chaos, harsh and negative. Of course, the cracks are closing in, and my knowledge that I will have to join that chaos strikes fear into my heart. I am caught in the conundrum of the modern man; I live in a society and, as such, need money to survive. My funds have reached zero and I am now driven by desperation. This is how I always end up on the wrong side of happy. This is why I constantly have people telling me to quit the job I have because I can get something better. The cruel reality is that I probably can't, this is my lot. The Lessons of Darkness continue for now it seems...
The choices are unappealing so far. Christmas temping seems to be the most instant way of earning a living, and I intend to throw myself at the mercy of the department shops and retailers. Let them pick my bones clean, and fight over the scraps of the soul. Let them crack open my chest and crush my heart.

I apologise. The time feels right for melodrama. I have begun to wonder if this is how most people live their lives - stuck in a kind of stasis, just waiting for something that they can't really envisage. I suppose as long as you've got money coming in, you'll be all right. But no, it's never enough. This society is designed for people who collect bank notes like stamps and have replaced the hollowness with a lust for wealth. Everything is overpriced, even basic human needs such as shelter and food. The rich get richer and the poor get their development arrested. I belong to a simpler time.

You have caught me in a dark frame of mind, an existential crisis. But I don't blame anyone. Destiny is a cruel mistress and I am busy sucking at her rancid teat. I will send more dispatches from no-man's land soon. Soon I will be once again in the crippling grip of necessary employment. It sickens me to hope this is the case.